Chick-Flicks...are we affected?

Emma, Jax, Matt & Erin and I went to see Enchanted yesterday.
It was pretty good. We liked it.
But I have to tell you...the affect it had on my daughter was startling...almost disturbing.
If you don't know Emma, I'll give you a brief summary. Tomboy. She adores climbing trees. She loves animals maybe more than people. She rides horses. She runs around on all fours like a horse most of the time (at a freakishly amazing speed, I might add. It's pretty remarkable.) She plays well with boys and girls, but she plays with brothers all day, and is like a kindred spirit to Hayden Hendrick. Oh, and she hates dresses.
So my Emma is watching this movie, with every Disney princess rolled into one personified in this character. (Played very well too!) It starts out as animated, but becomes real life. It's almost completely about finding true love, "true love's kiss" which is said about 100 times, dating, and marriage.
I noticed during the movie, Emma was swooning, for lack of a better word.
She was intent on the "true love kisses" and this started the barrage of questions.
During the movie, and after, she is asking us,
Can I go on a date before I get married?
How many dates? 1? 5? 364?
Daddy, do you like kissing?
Will God give me a husband?
Can I kiss him?
Will he be my one true love?
Can we go home so I can put on a dress?
That's when I stopped in my tracks. A dress? What?
I was saying before we ever left the movie, let's talk about this later with your Daddy.
There were so many things to address after this movie!
This well-made chick-flick combined with Disney princess fairytale had a powerful affect on my little girl's mind!
First, as soon as we got in the car, I let her know that she didn't have to find a husband to have the "Happily Ever After" (another frequent phrase in the movie.) She could have that with the Lord without ever getting married. I know she doesn't understand that yet, but she needs to hear it.
She said she really hopes God gives her a husband.
Then we talked about True Love's kiss could be on her wedding day. Those people going around kissing people before they're married is not the best idea.
I know this sounds crazy to some, or totally unrealistic, but you can go back to some of my dating posts to see a lot of thought and consideration of scripture goes into that idea. We are going to teach our children from a young age what it means to flee from sexual immorality. It's going to seem extreme to the world, but if they truly choose this way, I'm 100% positive they'll never regret it. I can garuntee heartache if they don't, however.
Then we talked about how Daddy is my one true love, and yes we really like kissing, as MARRIED people, but that first our joy and contentment is in the Lord. People are searching for something that only God can give them.
But she could wear a pretty dress, and dance around, and kiss on her wedding day, if God plans that for her. But God's plans would be the best for her, we can rest assured.
To see my seven-year-old daughter so affected by this chick-flick, it reiterates to me how we as women are all affected by them.
I like chick-flicks a lot! Maybe not some of the super, super cheesy ones, but the semi-cheesy ones I enjoy.
But as a married woman, I have to keep in perspective that my amazing husband and our relationship does not have to be like a movie. In fact, I think these movies could easily breed discontentment in relationships if a woman let it. I'm incredibly blessed to have a beautiful love story of my own! And I'm not kidding! I have an amazing husband that I am still completely enamored with after 10 years! He's everything I could hope for and more!!! But our day to day interactions don't look like the closing 10 minutes of Notting Hill, ya know? More like Cheaper by the Dozen.
For single women, I've heard some say they have to avoid the chick-flicks. They can't fight the urge to fixate on those things they don't have yet. Again, discontentment could easily set in. I think it's wise to assess your heart first and make sure your contentment, joy, and thankfulness is not obliterated in a 2 hour span.
I will honestly be a little more careful about these movies for my daughter. I like this movie. I think I would just rather my Emma watch movies about animals and horses and silly kid stuff than kissy face, adult relationships that are not in her reach for another 15 years (let's hope.)
Oh, one proud moment during the movie was when the Princess was wearing a wedding dress showing cleavage, and Jax leaned over and told me she wasn't dressed modestly! Wow! Hey girls, if we ever wonder what is modest, ask my kids. They recognize it immediately.
Thoughts on the chick flicks?

"The Line"

I want to continue the discussion about sexual purity and dating. It's been so good and thought provoking!
I want to discuss this idea of being physically involved while dating.
I said in a previous post that I want to throw up when I think about the fact that I kissed or held hands with any other boy besides Rusty. I truly mean that. I had no right to be that close to someone else's husband, nor did anyone have the right to my husband.
Where did we get this idea that we can try people out physically for a while?
From the Bible...hold on let me get my Bible...NO!
In fact, everything I can possibly find in the Bible pertaining this subject says RUN, FLEE, HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH sexual temptation. Don't flirt with it, don't see how close you can get to sex, get yourself going like a freight train and then try to slam on the brakes. (How's that for an analogy?)

2 Timothy 2:22 says "Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust."

1 Cor. 6:18 says "Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does."

We can not be running away, and flirting with it at the same time. Girls, I think all married women can testify for you that we now understand that the process of sexual stimulation was not meant to be stopped. (I told you that we were going to have to get specific and embarrassing if we were going to talk about this!)
And a valid point was brought up, that we don't want to instill in our kids the idea that sex and sexual feelings are bad. They are not! They are meant for something so beautiful, sweet, and holy! But when we allow dating relationships where physical involvement occurs, they will soon learn that everytime they engage physically, they get into trouble, they sin, in thought and in actions, and they feel they are slaves to those feelings. They toe "the line" and that line starts moving, inch by inch, and the failure rate is through the roof! THEN, those sexual feelings are bad, and they are the enemy. That is NOT what I want my kids to understand about sexuality. I want them to know that all of it, ALL OF IT, is meant for their joy and intimacy in marriage, and it is a gift from our Creator. I feel like so much of the struggles with sex in the early years of marriage that I am counseling girls through is trying to de-program their minds from this mentality.
This idea that there is a "line" that we must tip-toe up to, try desperately not to cross, so often in vain, is not of God. He never said we ought to toe the line. He said RUN. Remember? He said FLEE! Right?
So where did we get this idea?
From the world.
It's SO from the world, and we have been trying to stuff the world's ideas about dating into the Bible and make it fit, and it doesn't.
If you are in college, and you are physically involved with someone, I beg you to stop. Nothing, and I seriously mean nothing, good will come from it. If you have children and you are letting them have boyfriends/ girlfriends and they spend alone time together, I beg you to stop them!
I am not referring to sex. I'm referring to all of it. I know you might think this is crazy, but I am pretty sure it's just crazy by the world's standards, not by God's standards.
Whose standards are we going to live by?
Who is ever going to meet their mate, tell them that they've never made out with anyone, and they won't make out with them, come to their wedding day and night with 0 experience and feel bad about it? If by God's grace, that could happen with my children, PRAISE THE LORD! I can't imagine how joyful that day would be! And if that doesn't happen, Rusty and I better know for certain that we did everything we were supposed to do to guide them in God's perfect way for them. We know it's up to them to follow.
On the other hand, to play with fire and be physically intimate with people who in no way belong to you, so many negative things can come from it, I can make you a list as long as my arm and give you specific names, numbers, and e-mail contacts to prove it.
It's not just my own experience. It's not just my opinion. The longer I work with college girls and engaged couples, the stronger and stronger I feel about this.
Here is a blog with some great discussion on this topic for you to check out if you're interested.
www.notbeneficialforanything.blogspot.com
Thoughts anyone?

No Dating- Are You Crazy???

I started to leave the world's longest comment in response to the excellent discussion and questions raised on my last post here about "True Love Waits", and then remembered...this is my blog. I could just start a new post!
I know I've opened a door here with the no-dating thing...Obviously, I don't have all the answers to this question! If I did, I wouldn't have posted the question on my blog!!! But here are our thoughts.
It's not a topic I think is easily tackled. It's one that we have been thinking about for a couple of years, and really examining in the scriptures and in my own life. I've also heard some amazingly wise things from people at my church who have been thinking about this longer than me. It's hard to summarize here, but here's a few questions.
Really and truly, honestly, are you glad that you dated anyone besides your husband? That you gave your heart to them? Kissed them? Were intimate with them in any way (emotionally or physically)?
Obviously, as many have shared, those who were sexually intimate, even with their own husbands before marriage, have shared that they wish they hadn't been.

Why do we allow high schoolers to date? What's the purpose? To find a mate? Well, we wouldn't allow them to get married in high school, so that's silly. To learn how to form relationships?

I fully believe they can develop those skills within the context of good friendships, like we had in our youth group.
My husband never had a serious girlfriend before me. He was in no way ill-equipped to be a husband. He had never given his heart to any other girl, and his dating experience was very casual. He came to our relationship with almost 0 baggage.
I, on the other hand, had bounced from one serious relationship to another. I had a super-serious relationship in college that was incredibly damaging to me emotionally. I came to our marriage with TONS of that baggage. My sexual purity was intact, but I had been way too close to the many boyfriends, and that produced consequences for me emtotionally, and also for Rusty.
I WISH I HAD NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND BEFORE RUSTY!!!
Even though when I first started thinking about this, I wanted to quickly run to bat for this idea of American, Christian dating, when I stopped to examine my reasons, they were faulty. I truly do regret all of it. I think having friendships with guys before marriage would have equipped me fine to relate to my husband when I met him.
Also, every time I had a boyfriend, and then later a break-up, it was ALL a distraction from my relationship with the Lord. It did NOT draw me closer to the Lord, it pulled me away every time. EVERY TIME.
And the time I wasted!!! I should have been focusing on God wholeheartedly, and spending all my free time with my girlfriends, like you Laurie, going to Taco Bell and the $2 movies in Tomball!!! (ha!) I regret that I wasted time on boys in high school and college that were distracting, temptations to sin, and that's it.
I didn't learn anything valuable from those relationships, because I continued to make the same mistakes over and over. I was not lost. I was saved, and I truly, truly had a passion for the Lord. But I was not wise. I did not make wise decisions. And I regret how hurt I was, how I hurt others, and when I think of holding hands or kissing a boy that wasn't my husband, I want to throw-up! I shouldn't have done that! Seriously, it turns my stomach. Where in scripture do we get the idea that trying other people on first is okay? It's so totally acceptable to the world, and we clean it up a bit for the Christian version, but I think the results are often tragic. Again and again, I hear stories like these lovely ladies have shared about being a Christian couple, who fully intended to wait for marriage, had the ring and everything, but were given the freedom to date, and they were sucked in by the powerful tornado that is sexual sin.
As for me, I just felt like I had been beated down my tornado winds by the emotional damage and various forms of sin dating produced in my life.
We could allow our high schoolers to date within certain confines, but why? If dating is to find a mate, they can't do that in high school, and I don't think they need the practice.
I want them to develop real friendships with guys and girls alike, go out in groups and have fun, and be free when they are a little older to find their mate without the baggage.
Should we trust high school guys and girls to be alone together?
No. I think everyone knows that is probably a temptation too great for them, whether we like that truth or not.
I don't want to communicate distrust to my wonderful kids, but I want them to know that dating was altogether unwise and we are going to protect them the best way we know how.
We counsel couple after couple in Countdown who are struggling physically, and the bottom line is they just can't be alone together, and they can't kiss without it progressing.
So Rusty and I HAVE TO listen to this, and look at the scripture about running, fleeing, having nothing to do with sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6, 2 Tim. 2), and practically applying that for our kids, as well as guarding their hearts (Proverbs 4:23), and not arousing love before it so desires. (SOS) High School is not the right time. It's arousing love before the appropriate time. I truly believe all physical intimacy should be kept for marriage, and that is part of keeping the marriage bed pure. (1 Cor. 6)
Emotionally I want to protect my sons and daughter from giving their hearts away to anyone before God brings them their mate.
Of course, I know that if my kids are not on board with this, they could rebel, they could hide relationships from us, they could be sneaky. We don't want that. But I'm encouraged by the fact that I see families like our pastor's family who has teenagers who have just known all along there would be no high school or casual dating. I can't attest to their every feeling about it, but they seemed to have accepted that fine and those kids are serving the Lord and the church wholeheartedly, making great friends, and waiting for the right time in their lives.
My sister has survived her high school years without any boyfriends, and I'm SO GLAD@

What does the right time look like?
Now granted, again, if I had all the answers to these questions, I wouldn't have posted the question on my blog. So these are just the thoughts of Rusty and I, what we've observed among some wise families and college students we know, and how we are applying the Word to the idea of courtship.
But dating for the purpose of finding a mate, when you are of the right age and stage in life, is intentional. It is incredibly purposeful. There should be a lot of observing and getting to know one another before a guy even pursues a girl for the purpose of marriage. I see college students at our church hang out together, serve the church together, go to movies, go to dinner, watch the Office together, WHATEVER, in groups and really get to know one another before a relationship is pursued. (Instead of starting a dating relationship and THEN getting to know the person.) And then they are purposeful, and wise about not spending alone time together, watching movies in their apartments with the lights out and no roommates home. STUPID!!! They are careful not to treat the relationship like a mini-marriage, which is how I treated just about every relationship I had, so that if they determine they are not right for one another, they don't have to go through a mini-divorce. I've actually seen this! When they decide not to date anymore, despite the disappointment, I've seen them remain friends, and still be able to stay in the same church and circle of friends, because they haven't been physically entangled, and they haven't named their kids together, and put down a deposit on the church.
I don't know all the answers to this.
What if you meet and live in different cities? I don't know.
What if, what if, what if? I don't know.
I just know there is great wisdom being exhibited by these young people that I desperately wish I'd had an ounce of when I was their age.
It's so encouraging! And I want that for my kids! There's no reason for them to make the same mistakes we made. That would be foolish.
I do think that training their minds about dating, marriage, and the wonderful gift of sex, needs to start super early, so I want to hear from more women who have thoughts on this now.
Thanks everyone, for engaging in this discussion! Let's keep it going!!!

True Love Waits- But How?

We went to an adoption training at New Life over a week ago. It takes days upon days to process all the information you get, and sift through the emotions, even though this was our fourth training. (It's a spectacular training! I wish every adoptive family could experience it!)
One question keeps hovering in my mind and it won't go away. There was a beautiful, Godly woman there who spoke to us as a birth-grandmother. Her teenage daughter had become pregnant, and she shared the anguish she felt, as a Christian family, having had prayed for her daughter's purity all of her life. Her description of her brokenness and heartbreak was so moving! She shared about their process of choosing adoption, and the beautiful thing God morphed this heartbreak into. But there was one question I really wanted to ask her, even though it was not the appropriate place or time. My question would have been:

"What would you have done differently to shepherd your daughter's heart towards God's perfect plan for her life concerning sexual purity, and how would you have protected her differently?"

Does any other mother of young children want to know this? I'm not just curious. I'm desperate to know. Of course, #1 will be for our children to know and love the Lord with their whole hearts! I know this! But there are plenty of good, Christian young people who are falling into the deep slippery slope of sexual sin. None of us are above it! So as a parent, what can we do, starting now, to wisely guide and protect our children. Not in fear, but in true, Godly wisdom.
I want to hear from Moms. I told my Mom today she has incredible wisdom to share on this. She promised to write about it soon on her blog for us all to read. My Mom is not only a mother of 5 grown children, but she has been working with New Life for almost 20 years, and has helped countless (I wish we could count) women through crisis pregnancies, from all different spiritual backgrounds. She really gets to know them and their families, so she sits in an incredibly unique position. Of course, add to that 30+ years in the ministry alongside my Dad. Wow! So she will speak to us soon about this, but I want to hear from anyone who has Godly wisdom to share on this topic!
Speak up! What are you doing, or have done, or have done all wrong, that we need to know! Young women, what do you wish your parents had done differently? We need to know! Please don't bash your parents, or shift blame, but will you help us learn what would have been beneficial to you concerning dating and sexual purity? I have four precious little people in my house that God has entrusted to me. I have been clinging to God's Word on this topic, and have begun to draw some conclusions about what we think this should look like, emulating God's Word and not the world. But I want to hear from others. I want older women to speak into our lives! If you know an older woman, send her this link so she can share with us. If you have a spectacular Mom like mine, e-mail her this link. Thanks!