Birthmoms: What NOT to ask?

Every child that has been adopted has a story.

It starts with his birthparents. (It actually starts with God's perfect plan for their lives since before time began, but you know what I mean!)

Birthparents are a very real, personal part of who my boys are.

We love them and pray for them daily. We keep in touch with them, and have relationships with them. They will always be a part of our lives.

If you walk into our house, you will see a picture of Justus and Kathleen framed on our bar along with our other family photos. It's funny, because lately when new people come over, Justus goes straight for that picture and shows it to people. He knows she is super important. He never forgets her. He prays for her. He loves her. We await our visit with her on his birthday each year with anticipation.

Kathleen placed Justus with us when he was born, and we've been building this kind of relationship with her ever since.

Treston's story is a little different because we fostered him first, and are now slowly trying to build a relationship with his birthparents.

Here's what I want you all to know...

We love sharing the joys of open adoption with everyone! It's a blessing to us, and we want everyone to know what a joy it is to love birthparents and we feel this is the most biblical and beneficial way to do adoption. I LOVE to talk about adoption!

But when people ask about our birthmoms and want to know "their story" I am always caught off guard.

When you ask "Why did she give him up for adoption?"

I KNOW that you haven't thought through this the way we have. I KNOW that you mean absolutely no harm in the question.

But to this day, I still don't know how to answer this well. If you've asked me this, please know, I'm NOT offended. But I probably did stammer around for a while.

Someone asked me this the other day about the Hendricks' birthmom, (very well-meaning) and I found it easier for some reason to just let them know this is private to them.

It's our children's story to tell, not ours.

New Life does an amazing job of training us in right thinking about adoption, and how to foresee the consequences of what we say and tell now for the future.

When we spill all the details of their story, it can be hurtful to them. They may feel exposed, embarrassed, different.

Every birthmom's story and reasons for making an adoption plan is different. Some are simple. They are textbook, classic Juno type stories.

But most are more complicated than that. Most are messier than that. A lot of them are so hurt and broken inside for various reasons, they know they aren't capable of being the Mom (and sometimes Dad) that they want for their child.

It's not fair for me to spill all the details and hurts that led my child's birthmom to that point in her life.

I don't know how my boys are going to feel about all of it. But I know it's not fair to share it with every person we know in order to satisfy their curiosity.

So here's what you can ask! Ask their names, and how you might pray for them.

I think I can speak for other adoptive Moms I know (Heather and Shannan specifically) that would LOVE for you to pray for our birthmoms! Some of them are lost, and we are desperately praying for their salvation.

Our hearts break for them, and we love them!

So birthmoms are NOT a taboo subject! We talk freely about them daily in our house. We share pictures and stories of our relationships with them. I love to show how Justus looks just like Kathleen, and has some of her traits. I love the way he loves her. I love that she loves all of us. We just keep their private stories, private.

I hope I've communicated this well. Feel free to ask questions about this.

Other adoptive Moms may have totally different thoughts and opinions on this.

Most of this comes straight from the wisdom of the ladies of New Life, our agency, who have been doing this for more than 20 years and have grown children who are adopted.

My Mom is the first to share that she shared too much of my sister's story initially as our church prayed for my sister's adoption, and felt like they payed the consequences for that later.

It's not that we don't trust you with the information, it's really a respect issue to our birthparents and our children.

Thoughts, anyone? Just a little adoption education from the Bacaks. We are open for questions.