Saturday, June 30, 2007
God-The Planner Of Our Family...and appropriate adoption lingo
This picture (on the slideshow of our computer) triggered this post.
What a beautiful surprise Treston was to us! We got the call the day before Thanksgiving about him...before I answered the phone, our lives consisted of three kids...and Rusty was sure that was it! There was no baby on the horizon for us. 5 minutes later, our world changed.
We weren't looking for a baby, but New Life felt the Lord lead them to us, so a baby was looking for us. How awesome was that!
We prayed and prayed. I waited for Rusty to make the call. I had great peace that my husband was seeking the Lord, and not his own feelings or desires, so I waited with confidence that he would know what the Lord wanted for our family.
He did. We said yes, and the whirwind began. We sped through the foster parent process and less than 2 weeks later, we had Treston's placement (the official placing of the baby in our arms, the picture above, and signing of the papers) on December 6th. What a wonderful day etched in my memory forever!
We already knew that God was the Planner of Our Family. He had shown us that years before. We knew God had called us to adopt, and the timing of Justus' adoption made no sense for us financially. But God spoke clearly to us...adopt...brown baby...now. That's basically what we heard.
We already had Emma and Jax, fairly close in age (less than two years apart.) We had a girl and a boy, and people said to us "Now you can quit! You have both." That seemed odd to us. But it's true...the socially, suburban, acceptable goal is to have a boy and a girl, healthy, look like you, voila. Perfect family.
We weren't aiming for the world's goal. We wanted our family to look exactly like God had in mind.
We went to Matt and Erin's wedding last night (Yay!!!) in Waco. It was a 7pm wedding, so we decided to leave the babies with Becky, and let them go to bed on time. We took just Emma and Jax.
There we were, dressed-up, Rusty, me, Emma and Jax. I ran into someone I hadn't seen in years that I knew from Baylor. She said "what a beautiful family you have." For a second, I looked at us through her eyes. We looked like that "perfect suburban family." A boy, who looks just like Rusty, and a girl who looks like me. I quickly added that we had two other little ones at home. It felt weird to be without them. There's nothing wrong with having just two children, HEAR ME, but that was not God's plan for this family. So it would have been wrong for us.
After we got Treston and we moved from 3 to 4 kids (ages 6 & under)we moved into the freak category. Again, by perfect suburban standards, 3 are acceptable, but 4 kids...people ask you immediately "Are y'all done???" Someone asked me this recently, and I kind of shrugged and said "I don't know?" He looked at me, openly puzzled by my response. I have to explain to answer honestly that we are not the Planners of our family. We don't know what God has for us. If we didn't learn that with Treston, than we are pretty dense. Adoption is the most intentional, multi-step, a million decisions process. He showed us that we can adopt a baby without ever even looking for a baby. Wow!
We like having four. We feel unbelievably blessed, and a little overwhelmed at times. Rusty always feels done. I never do. But we are content in the true sense of the word.
I believe we have to be content to allow God to grow our family the way He wants to. Family Planning is an actual term we use. Birth control, when you think of it, is pretty funny too. I'm not saying don't use birth control. (See a great discussion on birth control and family size on the Her Hands blog.) But we are NOT IN CONTROL, as much as we think we are. We as Christians are insistent on making our own plans, down to what sex babies we will have, how many, and when. Who do we think we are? I preach this hard in our Countdown class for engaged couples. Young couples are often insistent that they will be married for five years before a baby comes along. They're not encouraged to consult God on decisions like grad school, birth control, or insurance. I am always saying "But God is the Planner of your Family" like it's my mantra. You can make a plan, and you can take the pill, patch, and ring everyday, but if God wants a baby for you, then you shall have one.
I have seen young couples in our church succumb to God's Plan with joy, seeing children as a blessing, and not an interruption to their lives and careers. I'm so proud of you guys!
All this to say...God has faithfully layed out His plan for our family bit by bit. We've watched it unfold with anticipation, resistance, and surprise at times. But we desperately want to be in step with His plan for us! Can you imagine this Bacak clan missing any of us? I can't. And I'm SO GRATEFUL!
As for some tips on appropriate adoption lingo...
I have people ask me quite frequently questions about my kids. Here are the most common ones...
Are all these yours?
So you had two of your own before adopting?
Are Justus and Treston brothers?
Do you know his (Justus or Treston's) Mom?
Why did she give up her baby?
I don't mind these questions! I know people are curious, and as you know, I love sharing about our family and adoption!!!
I mind how they're worded.
People who are unfamiliar with adoption just lack sensitive words for these questions. I don't fault them for this, but I am super sensitive to what my kids are hearing when they hear these questions at the pool, Target, and HEB. (Basically, everywhere we go.)
So here's a little adoption education.
They're all MINE, whether biological or adopted, and they are all brothers and sister. I don't want my kids to ever hear otherwise.
Emma and Jax are biological children. I do not refer to Justus or Treston as our "adopted kids". They're all my kids. Period. But clearly, I birthed Emma and Jax, and God gave us Justus and Treston through adoption.
Justus and Treston have one Mom, and that's me. They both have birthmoms whom we love, pray for, and include in our lives! They are very important! But if you ask me about their "Mom" I will assume you mean me.
And birthmoms make a noble and selfless decision to place their baby for adoption, rather than give up. New Life prefers that wording, and I agree.
I know this sounds super sensitive, but pretend that you are Justus and you hear these words everyday. It could cause hurt feelings, feelings of not belonging, of being abnormal, or confusion. It's my job to protect my children over my job to satisfy people's curiosity.
We welcome questions! Truly! We love to share our adoption stories! What a blessing it is to share what God has done in our family.